Mr. Thor, Murphee, and Joebear React To "Fuck This House"

  • Mr. Thor, Murphee, and Joebear React to a video Peter Parker Made Called "Fuck This House"
    ---------------------------------------------------A/N: Very politically-incorrect, racist against Chinese

    "FUCK THIS HOUSE!!!!!" Peter starts screaming on the video.

    Mr. Thor chuckled. "Here we go!"

    In the video, Peter laughed. "Hey how are you this is Peter W. Parker not to be confused with Spiderman Peter Parker. And welcome to Fuck This House. That's right! Fuck this house. There's so much bullshit in this house. Too much fucking work. Everything's work. Been like that since I fuckin' moved here."

    Mr. Thor nodded. "I know that's right. Felt that way 10 years ago about my other house," he said.

    "You see this toilet garden?" Peter asked in the video.

    "Yes. Jesus Christ, that's disgusting," Mr. Thor responded.

    I cracked up at Mr. Thor's comment.

    "...I want to break every one of these goddamn toilets again and again until they don't have the NERVE to come back!!!" Peter yelled in the video.

    "Don't blame you. You really are a shithead, Peter," Mr. Thor said.

    I burst out laughing.

    "And this goddamn backyard. More toilets. Grass grass grass everywhere. I'm allergic to grass. Fuck grass. I hate this green shit! I'm not fuckin' mowing it." Peter continued to rant before he threw his neck in the direction of the grass. "Fuck you, you green pieces of shit!!! And another thing, my parents got a hot tub in the backyard. WHY?! They never use the goddamn thing!!! They used it once since we got it a month ago. It's a lot of work. Why?! I don't fucking use it because I hate being outside! I'm allergic to the goddamn water. GUESS WHO HAS TO CLEAN IT?! I DOOOOOO!!!!" Peter sung the "I DOOOOOO!!!!" part.

    Mr. Thor shook his head and just stared at Peter on the video.

    "It uses up the goddamn electricity, and they complain about the light bill. Jesus Christ my parents are illogical!!!!" Peter continued.

    "You and your parents are illogical. That's why you're related," Mr. Thor said as he chuckled at his own comment.

    I, too, was giggling.

    Peter sighed. "Then there's the bills! Jeez. Utility bills go up. Gotta pay property tax! Gotta deal with the Housekeeping Association," he said as he pointed the camera to me.

    I waved in the video. "Hi. I'm an extra bill you have to pay every month JUST SO YOU CAN CONTINUE TO EXIST IN YOUR HOUSE," I said enthusiastically.

    Mr. Thor and I laughed at my comment.

    "Oh fuck you!" Peter said before he moved the camera away from me and continued to show the house. "Haha. It's ridiculous. Let me show you the inside. I'm not ready to deal with my obliterated duct hose and beyond-fucked gutter yet."

    "He didn't want to mention his rotting roof, either," I said to Mr. Thor.

    Mr. Thor laughed heartily.

    "Here's my parents' side of the house. Very relaxing. Very presentable! Very pretty. As you can see, there's a lot of woodwork, crown moulding, my parents have very nice taste... If a termite came in here, he would have an erection in two seconds. In fact, that's what happened at our last house. A termite had an erection and ate my house. Mother fucker," Peter ranted as his face was contorting into several expressions of rage and disgust.

    "Are you serious? I'm GLAD a termite had an erection and destroyed my house a few months ago. It wasn't worth the stress and aggravation. I should have NEVER left my apartment in Alpharetta. Bad life decisions. This video brings back bad memories," Mr. Thor said.

    "As you can see, my parents have two skylights that THEY MAKE ME CLEAN BECAUSE OF THE BIRD SHIT AND THE TREE SAP... they hate me," Peter said with a defeated expression on his face.

    My phone dinged in the background of the video.

    "Goddamn classic. Your phone goes off in the background," Mr. Thor said with a huge smile on his face.

    "I even FELL OFF THE GODDAMN ROOF AND THIS BITCH AND MY MOTHER'S VENUS FLYTRAP LAUGHED AT ME!!!" Peter said as he pointed the camera at me again.

    I at this point started laughing to the fullest extent. He flicked me off in front of the camera.

    Mr. Thor and I were laughing, beating the arms of our chairs, and almost on the verge of tears from laughing so hard.

    "I was blowing leaves like a jackass. Fell off the fucking roof onto the wet muddy ground, and this bitch just continued to laugh at me," Peter continued.

    I was laughing, falling on the ground, and beating the floor with my fist. He was filming me.

    Mr. Thor and I continued to laugh hysterically. He could barely breathe.

    "I was screaming in pain. But they were laughing. Everything I do is a fucking joke!" Peter said loudly.

    I was snickering, lying on my back, kicking my heels, and clutching my stomach. Schadenfreude was real.

    Schadenfreude is still real. Mr. Thor about fell out of his chair. I was clutching my stomach again.

    He pointed the camera to the woodburning stove his parents had in the corner. "Anyway, onto my parents' woodburning stove. Very nice, but I have to clean the thing. No one else cleans it so I have to clean it! I-I-I gotta get the brushes. Clean this shit out!!! All the fucking time because the creole builds up and it could cause a fire. Sigh. I gotta go on the roof again. I gotta live on the roof. Brush out the shit!" Peter was making dramatic faces at the camera.

    Mr. Thor was doubled over in pain and laughing hysterically.

    Murphee walked over. "What the hell are you watching?"

    "MURPHAY!!!!" I greeted.

    "We're watching Peter complain about his house," Mr. Thor answered.

    "That bastard complains about everything," Murphee said.

    Peter took a deep breath before continuing to rant. "Assemble the brush, go down the chimney, be Santa Claus!!!!" He was imitating using the brush with the hand that wasn't holding the phone camera.

    "Santa Claus? This guy does everything!" Murphee exclaimed.

    "He'd make a good Santa Claus! Haha!!!" Mr. Thor said.

    Murphee barked again.

    "I look like I'm jacking off or something Jesus Christ!!! It's a lot of work! Everything is work! It's nice it's nice but it's a lot of work!" Peter sounded like Smeagull from Lord of the Rings when he said "but it's a lot of work!"

    I laughed again on the camera.

    Mr. Thor, Murphee, and I laughed. Mr. Thor was on the verge of tears.

    "MONEY AND LABOR AND BLOOD AND SWEAT AND TEARS AND AGGRAVATION AND STRESS AND IRRITATION!" Peter screamed into the camera.

    Murphee was howling with laughter. Mr. Thor was laughing without sound. I was chuckling and trying to continue breathing.

    I laughed in the video.

    "Wanna see my parents' kitchen?!" Peter asked with a smile as he showed the camera his parents' kitchen. "Here's where we eat... when we actually DO eat. It's rare that I eat with my parents I have to work most of the goddamn time anyway. Ha! Ha! And my mom wants to redo the kitchen! Why?! I'm trying to fix the God-forsaken gutter outside! I-I can't win! It's-It's-It's always something!!!! You go from one project to another, especially in my goddamn house."

    "Ain't that the truth?" Mr. Thor asked.

    Peter continued to speak loudly, "...I get to fuck around with this fucking place! I want to kick something right now!"

    I really cracked up in the video.

    "FUCK THIS HOUSE! REALLY!!!!" Peter screamed into the phone with eyes that couldn't get any wider if they tried.

    Mr. Thor, Murphee, and I howled with laughter.

    "I'd rather live in a cardboard box somewhere out in the middle of Atlanta!!! I hate the system! I don't want to pay into it, ANYMORE!!!! I don't give a shit! Give me a cardboard box and a glass of water and I'm happy!" Peter announced in the video.

    I was crying as I was laughing in the video.

    "Let's go in here! Let's go in here! Let's go in my part of the house where I broke all my ceiling fans and have blades coming out every which way because I was an ape!!!"

    Murphee barked. "What the fuck?! Why are there ceiling fan blades sticking out of his wall?"

    I cracked up. "He hates ceiling fans," I answered.

    "Goddamn that's unusual," Mr. Thor said.

    I was laughing hysterically at him in the video. My laughter seemed to be permanent background noise at this point.

    "You see this shit?! I hate this shit. I'm 7'4" and I get whacked by my fucking ceiling every goddamn day. I have to look at this bullshit every single day. I hate it. We just recently replaced my toilet because it somehow broke. Low flow bullshit toilet. Gotta flush the thing two times to get even a piece of toilet paper down. Low flow toilets don't save water. That's another bullshit lie they tell you," Peter started to rant.

    "True true true true true! My low flow toilet is ABSOLUTELY useless," Mr. Thor commented.

    "The water company saves money. You have to pay to fix the flusher from overuse. The PLUMBERS MAKE MONEY!!!! The Chinese invented these toilets. Again, fuck them. There is no water shortage anywhere. That's another bullshit lie they tell you so that they can charge more for your water bill. It's all bullshit," Peter continued to rant.

    I was perpetually chuckling and agreeing with what he was saying both in and out of the video.

    "We had to go to three home depots to fix the several issues this piece of shit house has and has had since the nightmarish day I fucking moved here," Peter was speaking.

    "Three Home Depots? Why?" Murphee asked.

    "And we all know what Home Depot is like. Let me get into that!!!" Peter shouted.

    "I know what it's like. Went through it 10 years ago. Skip that part," Mr. Thor said.

    Murphee and I chuckled at that part.

    "My parents spent $15,000 on this furniture, repairs, and services. Jesus. My parents bought more furniture from Ikea. GUESS WHO HAD TO PUT IT TOGETHER?!" Peter said with a dramatic hand gesture. "MEEEEEEEE!!!!" Peter was singing through his big smile.

    I was snickering hardcore in the background.

    I snickered again in real life.

    "Oh, and when I found my desk in Grayson, I kidnapped an old woman and made her refurbish it..." Peter explained before showing the camera the indentation of where he slams his fist on said desk every single solitary fucking morning, afternoon, and evening.

    "Jesus Christ. What the actual fuck?" Murphee asked.

    "I did that to an antique piece Wynona bought for $50. Fuck that thing," Mr. Thor said with enthusiasm.

    Peter is a funny, mental mess. I couldn't help but continually chuckle.

    "It's a nice desk, but it's a lot of work," Peter continued.

    "I know. I know. You're speaking to the choir," Mr. Thor said.

    "I have a regular fireplace," Peter said as he showed the camera his normal fireplace. "But when you aren't using it. You have to make sure it's closed or a squirrel will come in like Christmas vacation."

    Mr. Thor laughed. Murphee barked.

    "...He was one of my brethren who came to troll you that day, Peter," I said on the video.

    "Oh God. Yes. You were a squirrel in your previous life. Jesus," Peter said.

    "Really, Xara?" Mr. Thor asked.

    "Yes," I said. "I was a squirrel in my previous life."

    "Gee. That explains a lot," Mr. Thor said with a chuckle.

    Peter showed the camera the front of the house. "Sigh. More toilets. More grass. Ughhhhh!!! It just never ends!!! It's work! You never have a day to yourself. Every day my parents want me to do something just to keep up with the house!!!!! And I say YOU KNOW WHAT FUCK THIS HOUSE!!! FUCK THIS HOUSE!!! I can't take-YOU KNOW WHAT?!!! My parents are doing whatever! They need a yard person that's why I say fuck this house!!!! I'm leaving right now. Let them deal with it. I don't give a shit. They don't even thank me. Unappreciative old fucks. I hate them. I hate this house. I hate the Chinese."

    Mr. Thor, Murphee, and I laughed. My abdomen was literally killing me at this point.

    "Yep. Houses are a bitch," Mr. Thor said with a snort laugh. "I hate the Chinese, too."

    "Same here. I hate everyone," I said.

    Peter walked out of his house. "I'm just going to walk out of here. I'm going to walk until I don't feel like walking anymore. Fuck this house. Fuck everybody. Let them deal with it!!! Let the grass grow. Let the house explode. I don't give a shit. I'm just gonna walk."

    Mr. Thor and Murphee were rolling on the floor laughing after the video ended.

    "That poor bastard! Hahahahahaha! Haha!!!!!" Mr. Thor said with a super hearty laugh.

    "Wow. WTF did I watch?" Murphee asked.

    "A man who hates his own home," I answered.

    "Apparently," Murphee said with a laugh. "Gee. I couldn't imagine!"
    --------------------------------------------------------------------
    I went home and showed Joebear Peter's video.

    "FUCK THIS HOUSE!!!!" Peter continued his video with a laugh. "Hey how are you this is Peter W. Parker not to be confused with Spiderman Peter Parker. And welcome to Fuck This House. That's right! Fuck this house. There's so much bullshit in this house. Too much fucking work. Everything's work. Been like that since I fuckin' moved here."

    Peter walked outside and showed the camera his mother's extensive toilet garden. "You see this toilet garden. It's a monstrosity! It's an eye sore. It stares at me every fucking day! I hate it. I want to break every one of these goddamn toilets again and again until they don't have the NERVE to come back!!!"

    "Gee! That toilet garden is bigger than ever," Joebear said.

    "And this goddamn backyard. More toilets. Grass grass grass everywhere. I'm allergic to grass. Fuck grass. I hate this green shit! I'm not fuckin' mowing it." Peter continued to rant before he threw his neck in the direction of the grass. "Fuck you, you green pieces of shit!!!"

    Joebear laughed. "Oh God..." he said.

    "And another thing, my parents got a hot tub in the backyard. WHY?! They never use the goddamn thing!!! They used it once since we got it a month ago. It's a lot of work. Why?! I don't fucking use it because I hate being outside! I'm allergic to the goddamn water. GUESS WHO HAS TO CLEAN IT?! I DOOOOOO!!!!" Peter sung the "I DOOOOOO!!!!" part.

    I chuckled and covered my mouth on and off camera again. Peter randomly singing when he is angry is always entertainment.

    "It uses up the goddamn electricity, and they complain about the light bill. Jesus Christ my parents are illogical!!!!"

    I shook my head and laughed for a second before stopping in the video.

    Joebear and I giggled.

    Peter sighed. "Then there's the bills! Jeez. Utility bills go up. Gotta pay property tax! Gotta deal with the Housekeeping Association," he said as he pointed the camera to me.

    I waved in the video. "Hi. I'm an extra bill you have to pay every month JUST SO YOU CAN CONTINUE TO EXIST IN YOUR HOUSE," I said enthusiastically.

    "You're an asshole, bae. Ahhehe!!" Joebear said with a bear chuckle. He kept smiling.

    "Oh fuck you!" Peter said before he moved the camera away from me and continued to show the house. "Haha. It's ridiculous. Let me show you the inside. I'm not ready to deal with my obliterated duct hose and beyond-fucked gutter yet."

    "He forgot to mention his roof rotting," I pointed out.

    "Here's my parents' side of the house. Very relaxing. Very presentable! Very pretty. As you can see, there's a lot of woodwork, crown moulding, my parents have very nice taste... If a termite came in here, he would have an erection in two seconds. In fact, that's what happened at our last house. A termite had an erection and ate my house. Mother fucker," Peter ranted as his face was contorting into several expressions of rage and disgust.

    I chuckled again off and on the video.

    "As you can see, my parents have two skylights that THEY MAKE ME CLEAN BECAUSE OF THE BIRD SHIT AND THE TREE SAP... they hate me," Peter said with a defeated expression on his face.

    My phone dinged in the background to notify me of life.

    "I even FELL OFF THE GODDAMN ROOF AND THIS BITCH AND MY MOTHER'S VENUS FLYTRAP LAUGHED AT ME!!!" Peter said as he pointed the camera at me again.

    I at this point started laughing to the fullest extent. He flicked me off in front of the camera.

    I was cracking up in real life.

    "God bae," Joebear said.

    "... Fell off the fucking roof onto the wet muddy ground, and this bitch just continued to laugh at me," Peter continued.

    I was laughing, falling on the ground, and beating the floor with my fist. He was filming me.

    Joebear cracked up. "Gee bae. You lost your mind," he said.

    I was howling with laughter because I still found it funny Peter fell off the roof that day.

    "I was screaming in pain. But they were laughing. Everything I do is a fucking joke!" Peter said loudly.

    I was snickering, lying on my back, kicking my heels, and clutching my stomach. Schadenfreude was real.

    Schadenfreude was still real. I continued to laugh at the video and Peter Parker.

    He pointed the camera to the woodburning stove his parents had in the corner. "Anyway, onto my parents' woodburning stove. Very nice, but I have to clean the thing. No one else cleans it so I have to clean it! I-I-I gotta get the brushes. Clean this shit out!!! All the fucking time because the creole builds up and it could cause a fire. Sigh. I gotta go on the roof again. I gotta live on the roof. Brush out the shit!" Peter was making dramatic faces at the camera.

    Joebear laughed and said, "Mhm!!!'

    Peter took a deep breath before continuing to rant. "Assemble the brush, go down the chimney, be Santa Claus!!!!" He was imitating using the brush with the hand that wasn't holding the phone camera. "I look like I'm jacking off or something Jesus Christ!!! It's a lot of work! Everything is work! It's nice it's nice but it's a lot of work!" Peter sounded like Smeagull from Lord of the Rings when he said "but it's a lot of work!"

    I laughed again off and on the video.

    "MONEY AND LABOR AND BLOOD AND SWEAT AND TEARS AND AGGRAVATION AND STRESS AND IRRITATION!" Peter screamed into the camera.

    I laughed on and off the camera again. Laughing at Peter was my purpose in life.

    "Wanna see my parents' kitchen?!" Peter asked with a smile as he showed the camera his parents' kitchen. "Here's where we eat... when we actually DO eat. It's rare that I eat with my parents I have to work most of the goddamn time anyway. Ha! Ha! And my mom wants to redo the kitchen! Why?! I'm trying to fix the God-forsaken gutter outside! I-I can't win! It's-It's-It's always something!!!! You go from one project to another, especially in my goddamn house. This is my life when I'm not at work. I get to fuck around with this fucking place! I want to kick something right now!" Peter spoke loudly.

    I really cracked up then off and on the video. Joebear chuckled.

    "FUCK THIS HOUSE! REALLY!!!!" Peter screamed into the phone with eyes that couldn't get any wider if they tried. "I'd rather live in a cardboard box somewhere out in the middle of Atlanta!!! I hate the system! I don't want to pay into it, ANYMORE!!!! I don't give a shit! Give me a cardboard box and a glass of water and I'm happy!"

    I was crying as I was laughing off and on the video. Joebear was howling with laughter.

    "Let's go in here! Let's go in here! Let's go in my part of the house where I broke all my ceiling fans and have blades coming out every which way because I was an ape!!!" Peter screamed.

    I was cracking up and trying to catch my breath on the video .

    "Haha. He never took the ceiling fan blades out of the wall, did he? Ahhehe!!!" Joebear said with a laugh.

    "Nope. He hates his house and the ceiling fans," I said.

    "...I hate this shit. I'm 7'4" and I get whacked by my fucking ceiling every goddamn day. I have to look at this bullshit every single day. I hate it. We just recently replaced my toilet because it somehow broke. Low flow bullshit toilet. Gotta flush the thing two times to get even a piece of toilet paper down," Peter continued to rant.

    "Three if you're a bear," Joebear said with a bear growl.

    I giggled at the growl.

    "Low flow toilets don't save water. That's another bullshit lie they tell you. The water company saves money. You have to pay to fix the flusher from overuse. The PLUMBERS MAKE MONEY!!!! The Chinese invented these toilets. Again, fuck them. There is no water shortage anywhere. That's another bullshit lie they tell you so that they can charge more for your water bill. It's all bullshit," Peter continued to rant.

    I was perpetually chuckling and agreeing with what he was saying on and off the video.

    "Very true," Joebear said. Kissy, our one-year-old orange cat, came up to sit in Joebear's lap.

    "We had to go to three home depots to fix the several issues this piece of shit house has and has had since the nightmarish day I fucking moved here. And we all know what Home Depot is like. Let me get into that!!! My parents spent $15,000 on this furniture, repairs, and services. Jesus. My parents bought more furniture from Ikea. GUESS WHO HAD TO PUT IT TOGETHER?!" Peter said with a dramatic hand gesture. "MEEEEEEEE!!!!" Peter was singing through his big smile.

    I was snickering hardcore in the background.

    I continued to snicker in real life.

    "Ugh. I hate Home Depot fuck Home Depot," Joebear said.

    "...when I found my desk in Grayson, I kidnapped an old woman and made her refurbish it..." Peter explained before showing the camera the indentation of where he slams his fist on said desk every single solitary fucking morning, afternoon, and evening.

    Joebear whined before he laughed. "Ahhehe!!! Jeez! Peter destroyed that desk. Then again, one of my gaming mice is through the wall," Joebear said. It was true. One of Joe's old mice's cord was hanging from the back wall. Kissy sometimes jumps up to play with the cord.

    Peter continued, "I gave her $2, and of course I spill coffee all over it every chance I can."

    Peter is a funny, mental mess. I couldn't help but continually chuckle on and off the video.

    "What a jackass," Joebear said. "You are silly, bae!"

    "It's a nice desk, but it's a lot of work. A lot of time. I have a regular fireplace," Peter said as he showed the camera his normal fireplace. "But when you aren't using it. You have to make sure it's closed or a squirrel will come in like Christmas vacation."

    "It's true. He was one of my brethren who came to troll you that day, Peter," I said on the video.

    "Oh God. Yes. You were a squirrel in your previous life. Jesus," Peter said.

    "I remember! Meanwhile, I was a warthog in my past life!" Joebear announced.

    "Hoohoo yes BaeWhuhh. I remember," I said before I chirped in squirrel language.

    Peter showed the camera the front of the house. "Sigh. More toilets. More grass. Ughhhhh!!! It just never ends!!! It's work! You never have a day to yourself. Every day my parents want me to do something just to keep up with the house!!!!! And I say YOU KNOW WHAT FUCK THIS HOUSE!!! FUCK THIS HOUSE!!! I can't take-YOU KNOW WHAT?!!! My parents are doing whatever! They need a yard person that's why I say fuck this house!!!! I'm leaving right now. Let them deal with it. I don't give a shit. They don't even thank me. Unappreciative old fucks. I hate them. I hate this house. I hate the Chinese."

    Joebear and I laughed.

    Peter walked out of his house, and I followed him. "I'm just going to walk out of here. I'm going to walk until I don't feel like walking anymore. Fuck this house. Fuck everybody. Let them deal with it!!! Let the grass grow. Let the house explode. I don't give a shit. I'm just gonna walk."

    The video ended with Peter walking away from his house.

    Joebear laughed. "Ahhehe!! Wooooooowwwww!!! He's fucked up!!!" Joebear continued to laugh. "NoBODY's gonna help him!"

    "Yeah I know!!! I have watched it four times, and it is still fucking hilarious," I said with a laugh and a big fart.

    "Hoowoo!!! We have to show this video to everyone at the meeting tomorrow," Joebear said.

    "Why not? Everyone at that meeting has severe mental issues. They won't even be phased by Peter screaming through half of it," Kissy said.

    "True, Kissy, you beautiful bitch," I said as Joebear and I pet her.

    Joebear and I burst out fucking laughing.

    She purred.