Taco Mac with Colonel Mac, part 2

  • Getting to Publix was a feat. After Colonel Mac got his van fixed several hours later and after I put the groceries in his house and came back, we fought the never-ending rush of traffic on I-78. Interstate 78 can fuck off. Where are these cars coming from, and why the fuck are they always here? I swear these same mother fuckers are getting paid by the Logantown government to ride around in the same loop 24 hours a day, seven days a week just to piss off anyone trying to accomplish anything on the road ever. That's where our tax dollars are going. Holy fuck I hate this place.

    So after about 10 minutes of praying that traffic would go the fuck away for about point ten seconds, traffic finally subsided and the green light allowed us to leave that god-forsaken intersection right across from Burger King. That was the same Burger King where there was a drug deal going on in the middle of the parking lot. At the time, I didn't know about it because I was riding with my eyes closed and ranting about a bunch of bullshit. Colonel Mac let me know about it by literally saying "DUCK, YOU SUCKER! WE GON'GET SHOT!" Thank God we ducked.

    Anyway, traffic was razzle dazzle bullshit as usual on the way to Publix for no fucking reason. A couple circus performers cut us off before we reached the parking lot. And of course we hit every red light.

    We parked our vans incorrectly because we were disgruntled and rebellious. Colonel Mac also needed to use the right side of his van for his lift.

    We entered the store and were looking for red meat, onions, and cheese. It took forever because half of the meat at Publix was rotted. We ended up buying ground sirloin and being done with it. I wish we had time to go to Aldi to find better meat... but car problems fucked that up. Oh well. I don't care to figure it out.

    We calmly went and picked out Sargentos Taco blend cheese, Boar's Head white American cheese, and a pack of Publix pepper jack cheese.

    "I want to feel the Taco Mac in the morning!" Colonel Mac said as he grabbed another pack of pepper jack cheese.

    "Please. I would add jalapenos to mine," I said as I continued to shop.

    We strolled all the way down to the produce aisle and saw Michael the Great Arc Angel searching for decent onions... this is going to be bad.

    "Why is half of the produce rotten?!" a random Karen who was wearing a mask asked in a nasally voice.

    "Because you don't eat enough fruits and vegetables!" another Karen who looked like Barbie from the 1990s shouted as he grabbed a carrot Naked smoothie from the refrigerator. She, of course, was also wearing a mask.

    Colonel Mac blinked and spun around in a circle before speaking an aside to me, "She grabbed a smoothie. She can afford that? Da fuq is wrong with her?"

    "So everything's my fault! Excuse me, Princess!!!" the other Karen shouted in a nasally voice.

    A group of Karens with face masks on started fondling the produce to find the perfect fruits and vegetables. They were talking about country clubs, getting hair cuts, and how it was an injustice that spas weren't open during a pandemic.

    Michael the Great Arc Angel had had enough of the Karens and yelled, "SILENCE!!!!" before the whole store shook. "I'm trying to find the perfect onion!"

    "What are you making?" Colonel Mac asked.

    "Taco Mac, of course. It's all the rage!!!!" Michael The Great Arc Angel shouted.

    "We're making that, too!" Colonel Mac shouted.

    "Of course! Taco Mac! With Colonel Mac!!!" Michael the Great Arc Angel shouted.

    The cast of PeeEee Herman appeared in the store and started shouting. "Taco Mac with Colonel Mac" was still the phrase of the month.

    "Oh my God! Can we shop without the cast of PeeWee Herman screaming, please?" the Karen with a nasally voice asked.

    "NO! In fact, you have offended me for the last time! You fondling the fruits and vegetables and putting them back in the same spot instead of setting them aside is an injustice! The spa shall be closed. It is justice. You are unjust! You are the same people I argue with on a regular basis about taxes and municipal regulations! BE GONE!" Michael the Great Arc Angel commanded as he started throwing the rotted vegetables and fruits at the Karens.

    "Here we go again," Colonel Mac said as he chuckled.

    Paul the Goat charged into Publix and bleated with authority before he was examining the fruit and vegetables and joining Michael the Great Arc Angel in throwing the rotted ones at the Karens.

    The Karen with a nasally voice shrieked and turned into a pterodactyl. She flew around the store and hooked onto her grocery cart to continue shopping.

    My phone rang. It was Joebear.

    "BAEWHUHH!!!!!!" I shouted into my phone. Paul the Goat threw an onion at me that was okay minus the skin. The skin of the onions at Publix always look fucked up.

    "What?!" Joebear shouted in the phone.

    "BAEWHUHH!!!!!" I sang again. Paul the Goat threw a jalapeno at me. It was okay, so I put it in the cart. I am a Karen, too.

    "Thank you. Can we go?" Colonel Mac asked.

    Michael the Great Arc Angel laughed in triumph as he found the perfect onion and flew to the check-out. He even cut off a Karen.

    Paul the Goat was still throwing less-than-perfect fruits and vegetables at Karens. Karens were checking out at the store and wondering why they were forced to help with produce quality control. They bitched (rightfully so) about the managers not doing their jobs. They were covered with rotted fruit guts.

    "They couldn't deal with it anymore," Joebear said.

    The Grinch was hobbling toward produce and making guttural noises. Apparently, he was still hungry for rotten produce.

    "Excuse me, sir. You have to pay for that!" a produce manager who also looked like a Karen shouted.

    The Grinch sputtered gibberish to her before he said, "Can you hire me for QUALITY CONTROL?! Your rotted vegetables are all I require."

    "All right. All right. You have the job!" the Karen produce manager said.

    "Deja vu," Colonel Mac said before he headed for the check-out.

    After sitting six feet behind a Karen who was yapping about how ridiculous it was that social distancing was important, Colonel Mac then freaked out, spun in a circle, and said, "Holy Shit I forgot butter!" He got the fuck out of the line. Naturally, I followed him.

    When we got to the butter aisle, he grabbed the Blue Bonnet chemical lard before I slammed the freezer door shut, stared him down, and asked, "What the fuck are you doing?"

    "Getting butter???" he said as he looked at me in fright.

    I snatched the Blue Bonnet chemical death from him and said, "This is not butter. Let me read the ingredients..."

    Colonel Mac blinked at me.

    I started to read the Blue Bonnet ingredients. "Water, Soybean Oil a.k.a estrogen. You know that soy is estrogen, right?"

    "Really? I thought it was basically a plant substitute for meat," Colonel Mac said.

    "Yes, but it is estrogen. Estrogen is a female hormone. You are a man. You don't need estrogen, NEXT! Palm Oil, Palm Kernel Oil, salt, less than two percent of emulsifiers (mono- and diglycerides - SUGAR complexes. Mono means one. Di means two. Glyceride means sugar," I rambled.

    Colonel Mac stared at me with an "Okay, I got your point" smile.

    I kept reading, "Soy Lechitin - more estrogen." I couldn't pronounce the next ingredient on the list. It was Propylene Glycol Monostearate).

    "Yes, yes..." Colonel Mac said.

    "UGH WHAT IS THIS CRAP?!" Joebear yelled over the phone.

    "It's bullshit. That's what I'm telling Colonel Mac, baewhuhh," I said.

    Colonel Mac spun around in his wheelchair out of exasperation.

    "Preservatives (Sodium Benzoate, Potassium Sorbate, Calcium Disodium EDTA), Whey, Citric Acid, Natural and Artificial Flavors, Vitamin A Palmitate, and Beta Carotene for color," I finished reading the ingredients. "In other words, it's garbage! Literal radioactive toxic waste!!!"

    "All right. All right," Colonel Mac said.

    "So what you should buy instead is either Kerrygold Butter or even Kroger... or Publix brand actual butter. Let me read the ingredients of the Greenwise actual butter," I said as I picked up the package and read. "Pausterized organic sweet cream (from actual milk) and salt. In other words, no bullshit."

    The Grinch came over and took the Blue Bonnet margarine. He then devoured it and started to grow.

    "HOLY SHIT! THAT'S WHAT I WAS EATING?!" Colonel Mac said as he took the grocery cart and rode away as quickly as he could. I laughed and walked with Colonel Mac as I watched the Grinch grow to the ceiling. The Grinch then burped a burp that smelled like rotted teeth and cat turds.

    The other shoppers and Karens screamed and paid for their groceries rapidly while of course trying to keep a six-foot distance from each other.

    "KEEP THE CHANGE!" Lou Who from the Grinch movie (2000) yelled as he took his half-bagged groceries and ran out of the store.

    "REMEMBER TO WEAR A MASK AND KEEP SIX FEET AWAY FROM EACH OTHER. Practice social distancing!" The Grinch commanded before he laughed and continued to terrorize us all.

    Colonel Mac and I checked out and paid for our groceries. As soon as we left the store, we burst out laughing. We were at our wits' end with all of the stupidity that occurred at that point. But unfortunately, that wasn't the end of it.

    Peter was fucking his therapist on the hood of their car (the bitch gave it to him for $1. Bitch bitch bitch bitch...) when Colonel Mac and I finally got out of this stupidly expensive fucking grocery store from Hell. The best thing would this grocery shopping trip would be if Peter squirted in her and got her fat and pregnant. They'd have beautiful babies.

    Publix sucks. Oh well, at least we finally get to make those damn tacos.