Office Woes, part 2 (Michael the Great Arc Angel POV)

  • My job is stressful even on lunch breaks. Karens overran Publix, and one turned into a pterodactyl. I flew the Annie's macaroni and cheese, onions, and jalapenos to La Bamba in hopes that the Taco Mac would be available again. Speaking of Taco Mac, I saw Colonel Mac and Xara shopping for Taco Mac ingredients as well. I knew that I was going to attend that party the minute someone says "Taco Mac with Colonel Mac."

    PeeWee Herman screamed twice upon my arrival.

    "Apparently, you ordered Taco Mac," I said.

    "Yes, I did!" PeeWee Herman said. "But this batch won't be with Colonel Mac." He and everyone in the restaurant screamed. "That party is later tonight!"

    I screamed. "I am aware!" I shouted as I flew into the kitchen to hand the cooks the ingredients.

    "Thank you. Did you wash your hands?" the cook asked.

    "Does a bear shit in the woods?" I asked. "I only take four showers a day on a regular basis. On Swamp Ass days, make that 10!"

    "Point taken! Thank you for saving the day, Michael the Great Arc Angel!" the cook said as he began to cook again.

    "You are welcome. It is what I do!" I shouted as I left the building to go back to work.

    When I walked in the office, the first thing I heard from a fat black female pig was, "DIS BITCH!" She even bobbled her head after she spoke and had her elbow out on the desk.

    It took the power of Ahayah to stop me from bursting out laughing. That was by far the funniest thing that had happened so far that day.

    When she got off the phone, the other pigs started answering the phone with "DIS BITCH" instead of "Dispatch." Pigs in Georgia don't know how to talk correctly.

    I literally went in my office, closed my cubicle, and laughed my ass off for a few minutes. In the middle of my laughing fit, the printer started printing E-mails with "Dis Bitch" as the subject line. I chuckled as I passed the papers along to those bitches at Disbitch.

    The pigs were oinking up a storm and laughing.

    Melissa the Great Arc Angel walked through the door and sat at her desk. She chuckled as she heard the pigs oink "Dis Bitch" over and over again. She was crunching numbers because she was the head accountant of our department. Her math skills were impeccable. Savants couldn't hold a candle to her.

    After an hour or so of hearing "Dis Bitch" nonstop, Melissa the Great Arc Angel and I could not take anymore. We flew back in the breakroom and started rolling in the floor laughing.

    "I CAN'T EVEN THINK!" she shouted as she laughed hysterically and started crying. "I CAN'T BREATHE!"

    I wanted to throw in a George Floyd reference, but it would be too soon. I laughed so hard that I communicated to her in laugh language.

    She laughed in different pitches to tell me, "This day is too much."

    Ned also walked in the break room to laugh. He added bleats. "I can't do it!" He shouted and burst into laughter.

    A bunch of big black woman pigs walked in the break room with stressed out looks on their faces. They were bobbing their heads non-stop.

    The biggest one went for the coffee before she started bitching. "Giiiiirllll, these phones be acting cray today!"

    "I KNOW THAT'S RIGHT! If I get one more phone call about someone weavin' through traffic screaming 'Move Bitch get out the way,' I'mma act a fool," another pig said as she also bobbed her head side to side as she talked.

    "For real! I am sick n tired of getting phone calls about someone bein set on fire! That be cray cray!" another chimed in.

    "I get phone calls about these nibbas breaking they fire extinguishers! You know they be stupid," the fourth big pig said.

    "Okurrrrrr!!!!" they shouted as they took turns drinking coffee.

    "I know if I wasn't getting PAID, I wouldn't be doing this job!" a hairy female pig shouted in a deep voice as she bobbed her head back and forth.

    "I KNOW THAT'S RIGHT!" the second pig shouted.

    "Ah hell no!" the third pig said with attitude as she added an extra bobble to her head and sucked her teeth.

    Those bitch pigs sucked on their teeth to communicate.

    "Excuse me. Could you share a moment to hear the back story of how Michael the Great Arc Angel and I met?" Melissa the Great Arc Angel asked with a huge smile on her face.

    "Depends. Any new hires in this room?" the first big pig asked with attitide as she bobbled her head and swayed her hip.

    We looked around to make sure no new hires were in the room. A goat who looked like Will Ferrel walked in, and he has been working here for eight years. He bleated.

    "SHUT THAT DOOR!" I commanded.

    The Will Ferrel Goat shut the door behind him and made himself a cup of coffee.

    "No," I said.

    "Yeh. Let's hear it. It can't be any crazier than the shit we be hearing today," the first pig said.

    Melissa the Great Arc Angel and I laughed.

    Melissa the Great Arc Angel then went to tell the story, and Gaelic elven music played in the background:

    "Michael the Great Angel and I met during the midst of the Black Plague in 1349. I was the tax collecting angel until I was recruited by the Knights Templar to heal the sick. I was assigned to work with MichaeI the Great Arc Angel. He was a War Cleric and trainer of recruits into the order. I was merely assigned to be a War Cleric, mostly because of the way I work with board games, teaching them, rules checking, and how my mind operates to overcome challenges in those environments."

    I sang in Gaelic before I added, "I WAS IMPRESSED, but before we could save humanity as we knew it, we made small angel talk. And I asked how she battled."

    Melissa the Great Arc Angel added swiftly, "I said, 'I will show thee!,' as I descended down to the streets and got into battle stance."

    I shouted, "And I said, 'Let's dance, KNAVE!' as I got into battle stance." I bobbed my head and got into battle stance.

    The pigs oinked and boobed their heads.

    Melissa the Great Arc Angel got into battle stance. "And we screamed at each other for five minutes."

    I spoke with strength, "And then we fought as though we fought to death."

    Melissa the Great Arc Angel spoke, "It was a challenge. We fought for hours until there was some sexual tension."

    I cleared my throat dramatically. "Excuse me, ladies, but I admit I was worked up. I was ready to do battle without armor and swords and truly show off my muscles!"

    "I AM WORKED UP!!!" the Will Ferrel goat shouted and bleated.

    The pigs bobbed their heads and oinked quickly.

    A goat that looked like Oswald Patton bleated and was ready for battle. "AHHH!!! I'm worked up, too! I have had five red bills and 10 lines of cocaine! I'm up for any challenge!"

    Ned bleated loudly.

    The pigs oinked loudly and bobbed their heads.

    "How about the challenge of keeping the door closed! I'm in the middle of a back story" Melissa the Great Arc Angel shouted as the break room started to shake.

    The pigs leaned their heads back and just stared at Melissa the Great Arc Angel with wide eyes.

    "So, we removed our armor and helmets. But something bad happened!" Melissa the Great Arc Angel spoke dramatically.

    I coughed, "BULLSHIT!"

    "I noticed then the Michael the Great Arc Angel was bald!" Melissa the Great Arc Angel said with wide eyes.

    Everyone just stared at her like she was crazy.

    The first pig said, "So?" as she curled her nose up.

    "I REQUIRE a mane for me to run my fingers through. When I saw that he was bald, I was rubbing his head and felt in horror that not a single HAIR was on his head. My mind had been scarred," Melissa the Great Arc Angel said as her heart beated loudly in her chest.

    "I HAD NEVER FELT SO INSULTED IN MY LIFE! So, I explained to her that hair disrupts my connection with MY angelic spirit communication. I explained that no one in my family has hair. It's an insult to my heritage!" I explained.

    "THEN I EXPLAINED THAT MY ERROGENOUS ZONES were in my fingers!" Melissa the Great Arc Angel said loudly.

    Ned, the Will Ferrell goat, and the Patton Oswald Goat then tried to brush against her fingers.

    "Men, please. I am trying to tell a story!" Melissa the Great Arc Angel said as she put her sword in her sheath and folded her arms across her large chest.

    "This may be TMI for you, but then I showed her my monis pubis," I said as I stared directly at Melissa the Great Arc Angel.

    "This may be TMI for you, but then I WAS INSULTED. I screamed, 'HOW DARE YOU TRIM YOUR PUBIC HAIR!!!!' Then I tugged at what little hair there was and felt teased," Melissa the Great Arc Angel said.

    "It was TMI," I said as I stared at her.

    "I have to announce that there is sexual tension in this room," the goat that looked like Will Ferrell said.

    "So we stared at each other naked for a few minutes before I suggested we release sexual tension with a sword fight," Melissa the Great Arc Angel said.

    "I HAD TWO SWORDS!" I shouted.

    "AND I HAD TWO SHIELDS!" Melissa the Great Arc Angel shouted.

    "Do you need to have that naked sword fight now?" the Will Ferrell goat asked.

    "NO!" we both shouted as the Will Ferrell goat was blown back.

    "In fact, we vowed NEVER to do THAT again," I said.

    "AND THEN WE WENT IN A TAVERN TO DRINK COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF ALE AND ATE FOUR HOGS ON A SPIT!" Melissa the Great Arc Angel said with excitement.

    I looked away awkwardly and hissed through my teeth.

    "Exnay on the gohnay," Ned said to Melissa the Great Arc Angel as he nudged her.

    The pigs stared at her and oinked loudly.

    "E'cu me, bitch!" the hairy female pig said as she bobbed her head. "Why you eating pigs!"

    "Relax. I don't eat pigs anymore. We angels are FORBIDDEN to eat pigs because of Leviticus, the third book in the Old Testament of the King James Bible. In 1349, we weren't limited on what we could eat," Melissa the Great Arc Angel explained.

    "So YOU people had eaten our ancestors," the second pig said as she stared at Melissa the Great Arc Angel with narrowed eyes and bobbed her head.

    "YES! And we have repented!" I shouted. "I must also add that Melissa the Great Arc Angel likes BEEF tacos as well!"

    "So, because you are angels, I must beg the question. Do you follow 1 Corinthians Chapter 14: 33-37?" the goat that resembled Oswald Patton asked.

    I spoke to answer that question, "The Knights Templar is a unique organization that does not use gender but merit to determine hierarchy. She is a peer, on the same level as I, since we are BOTH War Clerics. We are both front line fighters and also capable of performing in a support role."

    "So, are you guys 'New age'?" the goat who looked like Oswald Patton asked.

    "The Knights Templar is independent of Ahayah's word," I said. "We were fallen angels before we repented, truth be told."

    "So yes?" the goat who looked like Oswald Patton clarified.

    "Technically, yes," Melissa the Great Arc Angel said. "I was a fallen angel specifically BECAUSE of 1 Corinthians Chapter 14: 33-37. I am a strong woman who MUST speak when I have opinions."

    The pigs oinked and bobbled their heads.

    "WHEN I REMINISCENCE ABOUT THE BLACK PLAGUE, I think back to when I played Dungeons & Dragons and how much I miss it. The versions I played (3.5e) didn't include many options for battle clerics, but the newer ones (5e) do! I could actually BE a legitimate front line holy archangel class as a paladin or cleric, perhaps even multiclass into both depending on how things work out in my daily work life," I shouted to stomp out the gender war that was about to occur in this break room.

    The pigs all blinked and oinked.

    "Daaaaaayyyyyyuuuuum! That WAS crazy!" the first pig said as she whipped her head.

    "Shit, y'all would have ate us were we back in them times!" the second pig said as she sucked on her teeth.

    "You are correct," Melissa the Great Arc Angel said.

    "But we are no longer in those times," I said. "We are not allowed to eat pork. It is not kosher. According to Leviticus, the third book in the Old Testament of the Bible, pork is an unclean meat."

    "Bbboooooyyyyyy! You know that's right!" the first pig said as she ripped off her skirt, turned around, and started shaking her big pig booty. Her tail was wagging excitedly.

    The other female pigs ripped their skirts/dresses off and shaking their pig booties.

    Ned and the goat who looked like Will Ferrell stared at them with a smile and bleated loudly.

    "Oh my God no! I am not a lesbian! I am not a lesbian! Holy Shit I'm not a lesbian. I. Am. Not. A. Lesbian! Excuse me! I have numbers to crunch!" Melissa the Great Arc Angel said quickly as she flew out of the break room.

    "I'm sorry, ladies. But I am still at WORK, and I only like white meat," I said as I took my cup of coffee.

    The first big black pig turned around and stared at me with her brown eyes. "So you racist?" she asked as she bobbled her head around and shook her hips.

    "Lady, I am at work. This is not the time to start a race war," I said as I started to walk out of there.

    "You done started it," she said as she started walking toward me.

    "No ma'am. I did not," I said as I stared her down.

    "Yes, you did," she stared at me and put her hooves on her hips.

    "No, bitch, I did not," I said as I straightened my back and puffed my chest out. "You walked in this room and started talking."

    "So we ain't allowed to talk now because we ain't white and we female?" she said as she widened her eyes.

    "I did not say that, ma'am," I said as I stood my ground.

    "Don't you MA'AM ME, MOTHA FUCKA! YOU DONE STARTED IT BACK IN MEDIEVAL TIMES WHEN Y'ALL DONE ATE PORK!" she shouted as she got closer to me.

    The other pigs started screaming, oinking, and cursing at me.

    "Ladies, please! Your points are valid, but this is not the time to discuss it!" Ned shouted with a bleat.

    The fifth pig walked over to him and put her booty in his face. Ned slapped her booty before he slipped her panties to the side and stuck his goat cock inside of her. She oinked with every thrust.

    The goat that looked like Will Ferrell then stuck his junk in the hairy pig. She squealed loudly.

    "We have learned our lesson since then. I have repented," I said as I looked directly at the first pig.

    "But you won't touch me because I'm dark," she said as she stared at me and blinked at me once.

    "Correct. All dark pigs are off limits. It's the code of male Arc Angels," I said.

    She oinked in frustration. There was mutiny in the office. There was only one thing I could do.

    I opened the door to the break room and shouted, "CODE 5 to MALE PIGS! I repeat! Code 5 to MALE PIGS!

    The male pigs came rushing to the break room and oinked like crazy.

    The fat, black female pigs in the room took off their underwear, got on all fours, and oinked.

    I flew the fuck out of there because I did not want to witness what was occurring in the break room at that point. I went to my office and stayed there.

    Their oinks could be heard around the whole office. The remaining personnel on dispatch answered the phone "Dis Bitch." Second shift dispatch had monkeys and rabbits as the staff.

    Another printer was jamming up.

    "You son of a bitch," I said as I turned the machine off and on.

    The printer made noises and blinked.

    "I know you aren't compatible with WINDOWS 10! I have been trying to advocate for upgrades in our technology, but the county doesn't want to PAY FOR THAT!" I shouted to the printer.

    The printer made a series of bleeps.

    Between the pigs and the printer, I was riled up. I locked the door to my office and took off my brown shoes, khakis trousers, and white underwear. I then began to stroke my great arc angel in my nether regions. Its wings fluttered in excitement. I quickly rubbed my great arc angel and closed my eyes.

    There was a knock at the door.

    "WHAT IS IT?!" I shouted as I continued to stroke the great arc angel.

    "There is a case of public DECENCY occurring in the Publix parking lot in Walton County!" one of the goats with Oswald Patton's voice shouted through the office door.

    "Who are they?" I asked as I continued to stroke the arc angel. Its wings were fluttering at light speed.

    "Peter Wallace Parker and Jessica Lynn Fortune!" the goat shouted.

    "IS THERE VIDEO OF THAT!?" Melissa the Great Arc Angel shouted.

    "Great question," I said as my Arc Angel's wings flapped at ridiculous speed. Holy Shit Jessica Lynn Fortune was hot. She was my therapist seven years ago when I still worked for the Angel of Death. Unfortunately, I had to stop seeing her because our schedules conflicted when I began this job six years ago.

    "YES! A film crew is out there now filming it!" the goat shouted.

    "PREORDER THAT SHIT!" Melissa the Great Arc Angel shouted. She was a big Peter Wallace Parker fan. She has been watching his porn videos since the mid-90s.

    "Pre-Order a copy for me!" I shouted as my arc angel's wings were flapping at ludacris speed. The friction of my hand was hurting my arc angel, but I needed to release heavenly juice. I wanted to spray all over Jessica's large, pale tits. I then wanted to shove my great arc angel in her folds and bless her with my angelic seed.

    "I'M ON IT!" the goat yelled as I heard a bunch of animal noises outside my office.

    I screamed like Tarzan as I sprayed angelic seed on the broken printer. The printer then caught on fire before it was restored to its former glory.

    "Aaahhhhhhhhhh!!! This is the second fax machine that has gone haywire today!!!" Melissa the Great Arc Angel shouted. She was using an object to beat something.

    I dressed quickly before I flew out of my office.

    Melissa the Great Arc Angel was beating the fax machine against the desk and speaking in tongues.

    I began to translate as I stood proudly in her office. "Please Ahayah Lord Ahayah fix the fax machine. You are our strength. You are our grace. Our fax machine is necessary to save mortal lives. Please expel these demons from my fax machine."

    The fax machine exploded in Melissa the Great Arc Angel's hands and was in pieces on her desk.

    I knew the best way to fix the printer.

    "Get out of the way, Melissa the Great Arc Angel!" I shouted as I flew over to the rubble that was the fax machine.

    I heard Xara's voice in the distance saying, "Taco Mac with Colonel Mac!"

    Immediately, I screamed loudly as I whipped out my arc angel and blessed the fax machine with angelic urine. I screamed as I urinated on the rubble.

    When my arc angel was finished, I zipped up my khakis pants and continued screaming. The fax machine then magically became fixed and in working order.

    I flew out of the office and screamed my head off as I flew at ludicrous speed toward Colonel Mac's abode. I heard the cast of PeeWee Herman, Tyler1, Mr. Williamson, Ted the Alligator, Jack the Crocodile, and Colonel Mac screaming.