Blogs » Journal » So here's a dream I had *part 1*

So here's a dream I had *part 1*

  • Do not judge me based on this dream...I think it's a little fucked up and it's definitely an anomaly as far as my usual dreams...but best start with the most recent dreams before I go back and document my more random subconscious adventures! Some of the themes dreamed up in this scenarios are from a very dark period in my distant past, so I have no explanation as to why I dreamed what I did in this scenario...don't shoot the messenger!!

    ***Trigger Warning***

    I am a 'lucid dreamer'. I remember almost all dreams I have, good and bad. I am aware when I am dreaming most of the time and my self-esteem/mental health seems to dictate how much control I have over what happens...more often than not, I roll with the natural progression of the story that my subconscious creates, because it's interesting to see where my brain is at sometimes.

    Many of my dreams are not like this...this is definitely a new theme for me, but if you have had difficulties with mental health and/or self-harm/suicidal thoughts, read on at your own discretion...


    Let me paint a word picture to set the scene...a wonderfully natural and also extremely industrial setting..think Lothlorien meets BioShock. Very weird, but wonderful scenery. There is an abundance of animals; cats, dogs, birds, rabbits...any domestic animal you can think of, there are many. The niceties, unfortunately, end there...

    There is an awful old woman, who in this instance is my mother (which has no context other than this particular narrative...I have a very good relationship with my mother; she is a lovely person). Anyways...this wicked old crone takes pleasure in viciously beating and neglecting the poor animals that she keeps; I seem to have a routine of using myself as a barrier to absorb the beatings I can and offering comfort to the animals during the periods of neglect, which I also seem to experience.

    There is a recurring character who appears. She doesn't have a name, but I have come to call her Olen (as in the Norse name for "relic", as she has appeared in dreams for almost as long as I can remember). She has shoulder length, mousy brown hair and the glazed over eyes of somebody recently deceased. She has a full face, which is a pleasant change for her, but her presence is still first.

    She stands eagerly in the corner of my bedroom (which seems to be a complete fabrication from my mind and is very similar to the Lothlorien refuge where the Fellowship are resting when Sam recites his lovely poetry...don't worry if you don't enjoy Lord of the Rings...). She is smiling from ear to ear, quite literally, as is often the case with Olen; she has developed into a terrifying character over the years...I'll explain her origin dream later...she tells me that she knows of a way to save the animals; an absolute guarantee that they will never suffer again, so long as I do as she tells me. I love the animals very much and would literally do anything to save them, so I agree and follow along with her.

    At this stage, I am weirdly no longer unsettled by Olen's presence, and find her company oddly reassuring; possibly an omen for events to come...we wander through the maze of treetop pathways (again...think Lothlorien, it's enchanting...but add some BioShock elements to make it feel a little industrial). She leads me down a path into a garden area (think of where the 'mirror' is when Galadriel is offered the Ring..). A small patch of grass is drenched in sunlight, so I merrily perch myself in that spot to enjoy the warmth upon my face.

    Olen offers me a pair of scissors, ones that I immediately question due to their dullness and inability to cut paper, but I know what the sentiment is. I look at the dull blade and hesitate; I am familiar with the feeling and know that it is not pleasant...the issue with vivid/lucid dreaming is that details and sensations are enhanced, so I'm not too keen. Just as I think that I notice a familiar wooden handle in the trusted kitchen knife; 3 inch Sabatier brand knife, sharp enough to cut steak like butter.

    I take my beloved knife and look across to Olen who has already begun...she is elated to be using a blunted pair of scissors, the fucked up entity that she is. Her arm is already half shredded as she grins maniacally at her progress. She pauses a moment to look up at me and offer a reassuring grin of encouragement.

    I hold the blade confidently in my right hand and I am approached by a golden retriever; he seems to want to be comforted/cuddled one last time...or maybe he was trying to stop me. I ruffled his fur and kissed his head before turning back to my blade and holding it to one of the larger visible arteries/veins on my arm (I am wildly pale and my skin is often mildly translucent, making it very easy to find veins and arteries).

    I bear down on my skin until I feel the satisfying 'pop' of the skin breaking deep; I then swiftly and firmly twist my blade-weilding wrist to increase the incision. The familiar feeling of blood trickling out of my arm begins and is soon overtaken by an unfamiliar feeling, letting me know that I have done what is necessary and this will be the end for me.

    I wait patiently for the blood loss to cause me to drop and I lay myself on my back to let the sun beam down on me. A dog begins to lick my face and at least two cats sit upon my chest as I use the last of my strength to stroke them. As I grow weaker, I look directly upwards to see Olen standing over me, letting me know that the animals will be fine as soon as I am gone.

    While I lay there, waiting for death, I can't help but feel reassured and a little happy to be gone; like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I have done what I needed to do and I finally have no worries left in the world. As I fade out of consciousness, I begin to wake up.

    On a closing note, it really is worth mentioning that this dream is a complete anomaly and often my dreams seem to have a whimsical randomness (you will see)..I thought I'd open with this as it isn't in my dream journal (documenting dreams can enhance the lucid dream experience, but also...I took part in some dream studies and confused some post-grad students with my random ramblings!)

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