A rant.. confusion.. lust

  • I can't believe how much time and effort I wasted on J and our toxic relationship.. I'd had chances to leave. To be better and reach higher for the stars and rejected it everytime. I'm disappointed at myself and simultaneously very very proud of myself. I gave my all.. I tried. You know this fucker is still stalking me? Made 6 facebook accounts calling me from different numbers instagrams accounts prolly my fucking kik too which I'd stopped using a while back. I've got scars on my body from our physical fights. I've got scars in my mind from them too.. All the fights.. All the girls and mistreatment. But he wants me back? I'll fucking NEVER go back. I refuse to hate myself further because if I lose AFF I'll just call life quits. If AFF is a bad dude then woe is me but honestly I'd still do it. I'm sick of trash humans I'm sick of MF drama... Stress and struggles. "It's life" i know okay.. But i also know i didn't ask to be born.. to exist. But here i am and i do... I think i am AFF's soulmate wether he's bad or good.. There are too many similarities.. Far too many. The craft. Abusive ex's. Pansexuality. Dead friends. Pyromaniacs. Nymphos. Bad relationship with mother. Gothic or darkly inclined. Music choices. Games. Past living locations (We lived like 5 minuites away). Generosity. Love of snakes and animals in general. Very protective of loved ones to a point it could be terrifying. Hot baths/scolding showers. Theres alot more.. But there are differences too so we have learned. He's arachnophobic(terrified of spiders) and I absolutely love spiders. The big nonposionous ones are absolutely fucking adorable. Meanwhile I am "odontophobic" I am NOT okay with teeth thinking about the roots and surprisingly enough perfect teeth scare me even more this shit really scares tf outta me makes me SO uncomfortable but oddly enough I find people with snaggeled teeth adorable. AFF has a tooth plaque disorder or something and it doesn't bother me as much as channing tatums teeth. Yes a perfect smile is cute i guess but i look at the lip curvature and dimples. How wide does this person smile. Not oh beautiful perfect white straight teeth. Odd huh. Also his father is dead he died 2 years ago mine is still around and is in pretty much perfect health. He has many blood related siblings meanwhile i have 4 by many I think theres like 6 or 7 half siblings. Hell one or 2 of his siblings are fully blood related same mom and dad. I have no fully related siblings. He can cook amazing things and I'll be lucky to not burn a cup of ice water. (Really though when I cook fries I usually burn them even slightly)

    J was mega unhealthy and i should've left sooner.. I don't understand my reasoning. I don't know if it was love/ lust related or if i was using that stability to keep me partially sane and satisfied.

    Where I'm living now is with Sol and her boyfriend.. He complains a FUCKTON about things that mostly can't really be helped he uses the "My dad left and never came back when i was 7" thing every time theres an inconvenience. He treats sol pretty bad at times.. Even before he found out she cheated almost the whole relationship to save his ass from her thug ass drug slinging ex he was verbally mistreating her. Like everything is always her fault.. Lately he's been asking me for rent which is kinda impossible but TOTALLY understandable since i am in school and not working. I'm applying and trying to work to help and be able to afford things I need to afford and to save up for the apt with AFF. I wanna have my own money but there's nothing I can do if companies don't wanna hire me.. It might be because I'm a student. Who knows? But he made me feel REALLY fucking bad about it. He makes it out to be like i use him for money or food or gas or toothpaste or tampons or someshit but I don't I literally live in the corner of the ice cold living room and do the dishes when I'm awake or home. There's one thing I ask of him.. Thats to have AFF over for the weekend.. Jr even got mad cause I wasn't spending alot of time at the house but like if im not here then i can't eat your food or run the bills high (which i dont do when I'm there anyway) yes i am using them for a place to stay but I've never done them any type of bad fuck dude i even bought him a new battery for his car so that he could get to work so that Sol could get food for her and her baby Lilith and get to appointments.. So...??? Whatbish

    Oof and last-night while trying to get to school I got a ticket for a HELLA expired paper license plate (August 28th 19) in doing that they learned i had no license registration or insurance on the car and the car was under someone elses name.. Not even J's name. Some fucker named Seoul..
    Then afterwards I stole the TV i let the fucker borrow because i stole his original TV and gave it to Sol **cough cough** I mean "I sold it to some body to pay off a ticket" I can't believe I'm still rolling off these estacy "skittles". I took 2 at about 7:30 or 8 pm last night. It's now 5:10 am... Wait that's not long at all compared to the times id be rolling for 16 hours straight. Fuck.. I wanna go swimming but it's been kinda cold here recently.


    I have more poems to upload and to be honest I changed the Pronouns to be genderfluid. Originally some of them were for Y but then realized that I'm in a relationship with a different person with a gender different from hers.. does that make me a bad person?